I'd like to introduce a Sisyphean new feature. A hopeless endeavor in which I attempt to review and discuss all the films I own in my personal collection. I view this as folly not only because I currently possess over 500 titles, but because I am constantly adding to the stockpile. Relentlessly compelled to increase my cinematic holdings by something I refer to as, The Sickness. In any case, it's good to have a fallback topic for the weeks when I don't make it out to the theater or am otherwise disinclined to write.
On August 5th of last year, I suffered sudden cardiac death while working out. This occurred as a result of my overzealous workout regimen coupled with taking unregulated energy powders from GNC and having what I later discovered to be a bicuspid aortic valve. I'm fine now, but the point is, I spent the rest of last August recuperating. Chiefly by not working and seeing tons of movies theatrically, including the brand spanking new Conan. I had the Conan reboot on my radar for some time and had been nurturing modest hopes. Momoa seemed a capable lead and Nispel had displayed a penchant for shooting sumptuous brutality in a few of his previous efforts. Most importantly, to coincide with its release, Universal finally unleashed Conan The Barbarian and Conan The Destroyer on bluray. Needless to say, I saw the remake and bought the blu's. Now one year later, I purchased the reboot blu, re-watched it and am ready to assess the troika of sword and sandal films revolving around the iconic Robert E. Howard character.
Arnold was my earliest action idol and favorite movie star. My love of his work was entirely without irony as an 8 year old in 1985 seeing Conan for the first time. I was on a road trip with my family and we stopped at a motel specifically because they advertised having HBO on their neon sign. My parents would make me run into the bathroom every time there was some nudity or the violence became too egregious. Over the years I began witnessing the film without parental censorship and it became an adolescent staple of mine. I loved it so much I purchased the magnificent Basil Poledouris score on cassette tape, the first time I had ever done so for a film soundtrack. Arnold's sheer magnetism is undeniable and he is outstanding throughout. His humor-laced charisma is refreshingly charming, but it's his monolithic physical presence and surprisingly lithe swordsmanship that catapulted his performance into the realm of the legendary.
For my money, the film endures so gracefully 30 years on due to Milius' sparse direction and stoic presentation of the material. Hyboria comes alive through lived in performances and authentic settings. There's a naturalistic approach to the proceedings that lends it much credence. Even when Arnold fights a preposterously large and clearly fake snake, the effect is sold through the acting and its tangible presence. You believe in this world because save for some animated phantoms, it's all achieved in camera. The costuming is extraordinarily well done without tipping over into being ridiculously ornate. So basically, everything this film does right, its sequel and subsequent reboot do incorrectly, with catastrophic consequences.
After such a remarkable opening salvo, Conan The Destroyer is a huge disappointment. A watered down kiddie flick with dated effects, a dude in a rubber monkey suit and an unforgivably high contingent of non-actors in primary roles. All the stark realism of the original is eschewed in favor of cheap matte paintings, more clunky animation, and a brain-dead goofball tone. Grace Jones comes across as clinically insane as Wilt Chamberlain does comatose. There is a nice moment where Arnold shows off his burgeoning comic chops during a drunken campfire sequence and it's arguably the film where he's in the best shape of his movie career, but none of that makes up for its insipidity. It's the kind of film that I own primarily because I'm a completest.
I had a decent enough time with the reboot in theaters, but bear in mind I had recently died, so I was just happy to be seeing anything. The 3-D wasn't an outright abortion or anything, it just didn't extend much further than giving dimensionality to the burning embers in the opening and closing credits. It was an agreeable Tuesday afternoon time-waster. Watching it last night at home with a more critical eye, its ineptitude and pointlessness were more than I could bear. It is overproduced and unnecessarily busy, all the while being flat, dull and ugly to look at. The green screen backdrops are unforgivably wretched and take you out of the film with depressing regularity. The action is overly complicated and difficult to follow. Even the score is totally forgettable.
Momoa isn't big enough for the role. Sure, he's 6 foot 5 and moves well, but he doesn't appear more or less impressive than anyone else in the film. He also has a distinctly evil look about him that doesn't lend itself well to such a heroic role. He was great as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, but usually you don't want your good guy to have scarred up eyebrows that sharply jut inward. He isn't right for the role and the lame, over-complicated script doesn't do him any favors. The whole film is tedium. Even Ron Perelman turns in sub-par work. The only redeeming thing about the film and its bluray is the badass cover art, which is admittedly righteous.
The best looking bluray of the bunch is easily the original, likely due to it being the best shot film of the group. Having pristine film elements doesn't mean much when your color scheme and shot composition look like shit. John Milius understood that wide open vistas and flickering fireside conversations were the way to visually represent his tale of high adventure. His Conan is an earthy, powerful film with a grand score, simplistic, timeless themes and wonderful performances. The Destroyer is poorly executed camp a child of moderate discernment would mock. The reboot is an ugly, inessential, totally disposable waste of time and resources. Yet I own all three. Perhaps due to some misguided hope that the series will get back on track and prosper once again, a ludicrous notion considering the monumental financial losses Lions Gate incurred with the reboot. I'm carrying the celluloid fire though, letting the studios know that I want to see more of this character. I'd just prefer a more spartan approach in keeping with the original. If that's not too much to ask.
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