John Carter

Dating back at least as far as Dune, I've had a soft spot for films judged to be catastrophic failures before even being released. There's something about studios spending outrageous sums of cash to produce sci-fi entertainment that really rankles the crabby wags who love to bitch and moan about movies. They act as if it were taxpayer money that funded these would be epics. John Carter has been deemed a flop for at least six months now with the bulk of critical ire aimed at the marketing campaign. I know they hate the marketing campaign because it has been brought up multiple times in every single article written about the film. I mean, I went and saw it, so it worked well enough for me, but what do I know? It's not like I write for a website that nerds compulsively visit to swear at the staff and each other in the talkback section, and I'm not one of the widely read online film critics who count Armond White as an esteemed member of their ranks. No, I'm just some asshole who loves movies enough to drive 45 minutes and pay 45 dollars to take my family to see a 250 million dollar piece of entertainment on the best screen available in my state.

John Carter is as entertaining as it is flawed, its joys as simplistic as its failures over thought. It has a hell of a time getting going, that's for certain. It opens with an unwieldy pile of exposition that, while beautiful to look at, doesn't make a lick of sense to anyone who isn't a devotee of the century old series of books that provides its framework. After this bewildering opening segment, it seems to begin properly, then almost instantly, doubles back to begin again from the perspective of another character. Then this character begins reading from a journal, so after three false starts, it officially decides to commence with telling its tale. Thank god it did, because I was beyond frustrated and the sight of our hero wearing the worst fake beard since Hartnett in 30 Days of Night was doing little to alleviate my consternation. Then, remarkably, it hits its groove and becomes an engrossing piece of pulp adventure, transporting the viewer to a different world with bizarre cultures and creatures.

The approach of location shooting in the Utah deserts and using jaw dropping CGI to paint gorgeous embellishments onto it is inspired, creating a Mars that feels tangible as opposed to bored actors milling about in green screen warehouses. The acting is all over the map, ranging from the fantastic work of Lynn Collins and Willem Dafoe to the serviceable leading man/Villains work turned in by Taylor Kitsch, Mark Strong and Dominic West to the awful contributions of Ciaran Hinds (who I usually love) and James Purefoy. The most endearing character however, is the adorable speed demon turtle dog, Woola. It's cheap and easy to generate audience sympathy for a creature with such overt canine characteristics, but it's so well done here, you can't help but be won over. This loyal, lovable little creation should have been front and center in advertising as it will be a surefire hit with every demo.

There's nothing wrong with the effects really as this is a case where you can actually see all 250 million up on the screen. The action sequences are wonderful pieces of thrilling wish fulfillment, with John Carter leaping a hundred feet in the air and wielding incredible strength thanks to an Earth to Mars gravity differential. The problem is the plot, which gets bogged down after leaving the brutal Thark (the four armed, tusked green Martians) society and venturing into the ill defined civil war raging between the two humanoid species that are impossible to tell apart. Further and unnecessarily complicating things is a godlike race called Therns who seem entirely dispassionate and whose powers are so great that you can't stop reminding yourself they could kill our hero anytime they wish. This is meat and potatoes genre fare, you need to hate your bad guys and want your hero to get em' good. We didn't need these blue eyed, bald headed buzzkills poking holes in the plot with their detached omniscience. Simply make West's character an evil genocidal maniac Carter has to defeat, don't split the antagonist into two characters and dilute the menace.

Aside from the structural flaws though, it is a rip roaring good time at the movies. It's stunning to look at, has some nice comedic touches to keep it light and the leads do have some palpable romantic chemistry, which is something of a rarity in pictures like this nowadays. There is one standout sequence in which John Carter goes on a kill crazy rampage against a charging battalion of Tharks that is inter cut with images of the tragic past he left behind on earth. It's much more hard edged and seems somewhat out of place amidst the gee whiz naivete of the rest of the movie, but within this scene is contained the true heart of the film, or at least the film this could have been. A film more assured of the basic story it was trying to tell and less concerned with appeasing pedants or appealing to target markets. What we do have is a pleasant time at the movies, so long as you stow your cynicism.