In defense of the noob

Goddamn Friday the 13th part 3 is an awful film. Just straight up amateur garbage. There's maybe 2 good kills and a moderately amusing climax and that's it. Seriously, I defy you to watch it with the gauzy veil of nostalgia stripped away and tell me it is a good movie. Good? Shit's not even competently constructed from a technical standpoint. There is zero effort put into this damn thing. I love how today's hipper than thou genre fan sits back sucking on a big 80's pacifier clutching a slasher franchise security blanket and bemoans the onslaught of remakes and soulless studio films. You want to see soulless? Watch Friday the 13th part 3.

Watch the scene when the biker chick Fox wanders around in the barn for roughly 46 minutes, padding the run time in much the same fashion as the donut eating, shit taking, rabbit handling retard did in the first interminable sequence. She walks through the lower level for what seems like an eternity, inexplicably grinning at objects like an idiot until she comes across a canteen and does something so bizarre, so pointless, so downright baffling it belongs in the scene blocking hall of shame. She picks it up, looks at it with a comical degree of wonderment, slaps the flat part and sets it back down. For those of you with time warp wax in your fucking ears, SHE SLAPPED THE CANTEEN! Before you cry pedant, take into account that I love silly garbage like The Mangler, Silent Night Deadly Night 2 and the (as far as utter ridiculousness is concerned) peerless Neon Maniacs. I can take performances ranging from flat to hysterical. I can take wooden and wince inducing scriptwriting. I can even take piss poor practical or visual effects that elicit howls of laughter. What I can't take is a character lazily drifting through a scene stopping to SLAP A FUCKING CANTEEN.

Do you have any idea how shamefully disinterested the Director has to be to even deign to suggest such an action, let alone follow through with filming it? It's the cinematic equivalent to throwing up your hands and exclaiming, "The gas station attendants and their mouth breathing girlfriend's who will come to see this hastily thrown together cash grab aren't going to give a shit about anything other than the fleeting moment of impact we miserly dole out every 26 minutes, so why bother? Sure, look at that hay and smile, swing on that rope despite the action going against your earlier stated recalcitrance and for the love of god and all that is holy, SLAP THAT FUCKING CANTEEN cause that shit is GOLD!

I realize I may be overstating my case a bit here. But the fact remains that the nerd horror message board circles I run in endlessly extol the virtues of films like this based solely on the fact that they have fond childhood memories attached to them. And that's fine. The problem lies in their dogged insistence that things like the Saw series (which in my humble estimation is intricately plotted and a hell of a bloody good time) and the Hostel films are pandering mainstream trash suitable only for "noob" 16 year old kids who shop at Hot Topic. It's shallow and short sighted and insular and just plain wrong to dismiss outright that which is popular and current for the sole reason that it falls into those two categories. Grow up. The wheel wasn't perfected when you were a child. Art is a process and shutting yourself out of that process ultimately restricts both your intellect and your potential enjoyment.

A healthy respect to the forbears is key though. I would never dispute that. I study films from all era's, all genres, all nationalities. Spicing up your screenings with a healthy cross section of all available types of horror films will make your analytical eye sharper, not to mention your knowledge more vast and thusly more unassailable from poser noobs lol jk cm bff rotfl.

But, if you know what you like and you don't need some pompous ass cutting it down and showing you the strings, be my guest. Enjoy your craptastic, callous studio cash-ins from yesteryear with a clean conscience. Just shut the fuck up about the current state of the genre if you're unwilling to approach it with an unbiased eye and an open mind.