Pirates: A Band of Misfits is something I had every intention of missing. I sort of detest Aardman animation. I respect that it is handcrafted with a heart and all that tiresome nonsense, it just doesn't appeal to me on any level. I loathe the simplistic aesthetic and since I'm not English or 4 years old, the humor does next to nothing for me. But, the family and I were out and about and stumbled onto a "Cinema Grill", an establishment where you can watch a second run film at a discount price while wait staff endeavor to deliver godawful fried food in as little obtrusive a fashion as possible. I gave being spontaneous the old college try, but the food was revolting and the audience a howling nightmare, thus making the movie a chore.
I'll freely admit that the film wasn't nearly as excruciating as I feared it would be, but the environment in which I saw it only exacerbated my intense irritation with its middling irrelevance. A couple jokes and action scenes worked for me here and there, but it felt borderline offensive to be implored to root for a character to excel at robbing people, especially in a children's film. I will grant it one moment of perfection concerning an explosive vocal performance by the inimitable Brian Blessed, but overall, it was an unnecessary and unfortunate experience all around.
SWATH however, is the textbook definition of an unmitigated disaster. It's almost worth the price of admission to lay ones eyes upon that rare, elusive film where absolutely NOTHING works. Not one character, narrative beat or subtextual element is the least bit compelling. None of the action scenes are even accidentally entertaining. To top it all off, the much ballyhooed visuals are all shamefully pilfered from a litany of infinitely better films. This is a movie that has no reason to exist. It doesn't even seem to be cognizant of its own existence. It's like a brain dead coma victim kept alive via intravenous feeding tube, breathing machine and a hysterically tone deaf Charlize Theron performance.
The closest comparison to this disinterested shrug of a film I can think of is the Platinum Dunes Nightmare On Elm Street remake, also helmed by a commercial director taking his first stab at a feature length narrative film. And what a length! It felt as if I had been in the theater for days. One indistinguishably muddy and morose scene bleeding into the next, with no momentum, direction or discernible purpose to guide the way. Hemsworth is fine, but his characters only defining attribute is a dead wife (YAWN) we don't even get to know in flashback. Stewart is a bland bore who brings nothing to the iconic role save for an inexplicably incongruent recitation of the Lord's Prayer early on that is never explained or referenced again. The Dwarves are a waste of Benjamin Button tech that add nothing to the film aside from the opportunity to see great character actors like Ray Winstone and Ian McShane shrunk down and comically bewigged.
I think Theron is a fantastic actress, just not here. The vengeful abuse victim angle taken with her evil queen character could have been an interesting one. Unfortunately, so much time is spent humanizing her that we aren't compelled to root for her ouster. Yet, Theron's manically pitched portrayal doesn't necessarily inspire any affection either. So what you have is this unwieldy sore thumb of a performance that grows more and more off putting as the film progresses. Adding to the confusion and amplifying the ickiness is her revolting brother, surely the most unpleasant looking person thrust in front of a camera since Reggie Nalder. Seriously, every time this monstrosity of a man was onscreen, I could feel myself growing increasingly agitated. A successful realization of villainy personified it could be argued, but that doesn't make his presence any more tolerable. He's merely another clanging, unresolved note hanging in this swirling, atonal symphony of misery. This and Battleship are certainly playing the drive-in double feature in hell.
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